I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
Naked. naked and bneed help.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
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