if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
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