i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
my shit smells like andre
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
