I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
Thank you for not boning my boss.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
Randomize
