and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
Randomize
