This is not my ceiling
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
