i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
