who do you think you are?
someone who doesn't ask that question
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Randomize