She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Randomize
