Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
so far i wrote 500 words for a paper on sean paul performing we be burnin..i can officially do anything on adderral
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Randomize
