I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
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