I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
Randomize
