the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
