he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
