I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
