Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
you will always have a special place in my vag
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
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