We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
JAMES WASHOMGTON STATE ATTACKED US
WE'RE FYCKED UL HARDCORW
THE REISLING ATRACEX US
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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