Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
They left me at home... I'm a liability
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
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