I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
it was like having sex with a tree stump
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
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