I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
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