Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
bl l w
this should be fun to decipher. I'd like to buy a vowel.
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Randomize
