Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
no, I didn't make it. Instead, i watched VH1 for... 13 hours? I use the question mark because I was using Flavor Flav's clocks to tell time after the first 3 hours.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
Randomize