why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
