My girlfriend figured out who you are.
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
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