Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
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