I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
Randomize
