woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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