Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
Randomize