Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
Randomize
