My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
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