I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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