you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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