I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Randomize
