in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
