winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
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