for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
Randomize
