so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize