Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
