So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
