im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
I pour the whiskey from now on
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
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