I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Randomize
