i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize