She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
Randomize
