oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
