you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
Randomize
