I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
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