Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Randomize
