maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
