i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
Randomize
