This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Randomize
