do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Randomize
