dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
