she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
Randomize